Helping Kids and Teens with Anxiety Avoid Negative Self-Talk
Anxiety is a common challenge for kids and teens, and as parents, you’re often on the front lines, watching them struggle with worry, self-doubt, and stress. One key part of managing anxiety is learning to recognize and avoid negative self-talk.
This internal dialogue—often critical and harsh—can reinforce anxiety, lower self-esteem, and make it harder for young people to cope with challenges. But with your support, they can build healthier thought patterns that foster resilience and confidence.
In this article, I’ll explore what negative self-talk is, why it’s particularly detrimental to kids and teens with anxiety, and most importantly, how you can help your child overcome it.
Understanding Negative Self-Talk and Its Impact on Anxiety
Understanding negative self-talk and its impact on anxiety is crucial for helping your child. Let’s break it down.
What is negative self-talk?
Negative self-talk is the inner voice that tells kids they’re not good enough, that they’ll fail, or that something terrible will happen. It’s the part of their mind that exaggerates mistakes and downplays successes, making them feel incapable or fearful. This self-criticism often sounds like:
- “I’ll never be good at this.”
- “Everyone else is smarter than me.”
- “I’m so awkward.”
- “I’m always messing things up.”
For kids and teens with anxiety, this inner dialogue can feel especially overwhelming. When they’re already prone to worry, negative self-talk amplifies their fears and makes it even harder to face situations that trigger their anxiety.
Over time, constant self-criticism can lower self-esteem, create a fear of trying new things, and reinforce a cycle of avoidance that limits their growth and confidence.
Why it’s particularly harmful for kids and teens
At this age, children and teens are developing their identity and self-concept. The things they tell themselves (and the things they hear from others) shape how they feel about who they are.
Negative self-talk during these years can lead to a lasting belief in their own inadequacy, which is difficult to unlearn. This cycle can lead to a fear of failure, extreme sensitivity to criticism, and avoidance of challenges—all of which feed into anxiety.
How to Help Your Child Recognize Negative Self-Talk
The first step in breaking the cycle of negative self-talk is to help your child recognize it. Many kids aren’t
fully aware of how often they criticize themselves or how damaging these thoughts can be. Here are some ways to help them tune in:
- Encourage reflection
Ask questions that help them become aware of their inner dialogue. For example, after they face a challenging situation, ask, “What were you telling yourself when that happened?” or “How did that situation make you feel about yourself?”
- Help them label emotions
Often, negative self-talk happens when kids are feeling specific emotions, like disappointment or fear. Helping them identify these emotions can increase their self-awareness. You can say, “It sounds like you were feeling really frustrated. Did that make you feel like giving up?” Recognizing the connection between emotions and self-talk is a helpful step toward change.
- Teach them to notice patterns
If your child is open to it, suggest keeping a “thought journal” where they jot down any negative thoughts they notice throughout the day. This can help them see patterns in their thinking and understand how certain situations trigger negative self-talk.
Strategies to Help Kids Challenge and Replace Negative Self-Talk
Once your child is more aware of their negative self-talk, they can begin to challenge and replace it. Here are several strategies that can help:
Encourage self-compassion
Help your child practice being kinder to themselves. Encourage them to treat themselves the way they would treat a friend who was feeling down. For example, if they say, “I’m terrible at this,” you can ask, “What would you say to a friend who felt this way?” This shift in perspective can make it easier for them to see their strengths and give themselves grace.
Teach cognitive restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is a strategy that helps people reframe their thoughts in a more balanced way. For example, if your child says, “I’ll never understand this math problem,” help them reframe it to something more constructive, like, “This is hard, but with practice, I can improve.” It’s not about forcing positivity but about finding a realistic middle ground between extreme thoughts.
Model positive self-talk
Children and teens learn a lot from observing their parents. If they see you handling challenges with a healthy, balanced outlook, they’re more likely to mimic that behavior. When you make a mistake, model self-kindness by saying something like, “That was tough, but I’ll try again next time.” Hearing you practice positive self-talk can show them it’s okay to be kind to themselves.
Challenge catastrophic thinking
Anxiety often leads to “catastrophizing,” or assuming the worst possible outcome. When your child starts to worry excessively, help them break down their fears and evaluate the likelihood of their worst-case scenario. For example, if they’re anxious about failing a test, ask, “What would happen if you didn’t do well on this test? What could you do next?” This helps them see that even if things don’t go perfectly, they’ll have options to manage the situation.
Use positive affirmations with caution
Positive affirmations can be helpful, but they need to feel believable. Instead of having your child recite statements like, “I am the best,” encourage affirmations that are realistic and empowering, such as, “I’m doing my best and learning every day.” These kinds of affirmations help shift focus from perfection to progress.
Creating a Supportive Environment at Home
Beyond specific strategies, the overall environment you create at home can have a big impact on your child’s ability to overcome negative self-talk. Here’s how to make your home a safe, supportive space for them:
- Encourage open communication
Create a space where your child feels comfortable talking about their fears and insecurities without fear of judgment. Validate their feelings by saying things like, “I understand why that would make you feel anxious.” Knowing they have a safe space to express themselves can reduce feelings of isolation and help them feel more secure.
- Praise effort over results
Reinforcing a growth mindset can help kids see their potential and reduce perfectionism. Instead of focusing on grades or wins, focus on effort and progress. For example, you might say, “I’m proud of how hard you studied for that test,” or “You really put a lot of time into practicing, and it shows!” This kind of praise emphasizes resilience and effort rather than external outcomes.
- Avoid over-reacting to mistakes
How you respond to your child’s mistakes can shape their attitude toward their own missteps. If you react calmly and encourage learning from mistakes, they’ll learn that it’s okay to be imperfect. This attitude can help them approach challenges with a mindset that allows for growth and experimentation without fear.
- Set a routine that reduces stress
When kids and teens are overly stressed or tired, negative self-talk often becomes more intense. Help them develop a routine that includes regular sleep, balanced meals, physical activity, and downtime. Managing stress can make it easier for them to challenge and replace negative thoughts.
When to Seek Professional Help
While these strategies can be helpful, some kids and teens may need additional support to manage anxiety and negative self-talk effectively. If you notice that their anxiety is interfering with daily life—such as affecting their performance at school, causing social withdrawal, or impacting their mood—it may be time to seek professional help.
As a child therapist at Briefly Counseling who specializes in child and adolescent anxiety, I can provide strategies tailored to their needs, helping them learn how to manage negative self-talk and build confidence.
Final Thoughts: Be Patient and Consistent
Breaking the habit of negative self-talk takes time, especially for kids and teens with anxiety. Progress may be slow, and setbacks are common. Remember that your patience and encouragement are invaluable. Celebrate the small wins and acknowledge the effort they’re putting in to change their thinking. By helping them build resilience, you’re giving them tools they can use throughout their lives to manage anxiety and face challenges with confidence.
With your support, your child can learn to challenge their inner critic, replace self-doubt with self-compassion, and build a healthier, more balanced perspective on themselves and their abilities. This journey isn’t always easy, but every step forward makes a difference in their journey toward managing anxiety and embracing their strengths.
Begin Child Therapy in Chicago, Illinois and Jacksonville, Florida for Anxious Kids and Teens!
If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety, there is hope! Anxiety is highly treatable and child therapy for anxiety treatment at Briefly Counseling can help.
Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I help kids and teens reduce their anxiety and build resilience so they can become a happier, more confident version of themselves.
And kids love being able to receive counseling from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Studies have consistently proven that online therapy delivers equal results to in-office counseling.
As an experienced and caring child therapist in Chicago, IL and Jacksonville, FL, I love providing counseling for anxiety. To start your child’s counseling journey, call me at 224-236-2296 or complete my Contact Form to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation.
Helena Madsen, MA, LCPC is the founder of Briefly Counseling. I specialize in providing online short-term anxiety treatment for kids and teens ages 7 – 18 as well as Christian counseling.
Whether you’re on the North Shore, in Naperville, Chicago, Champaign, Barrington, Libertyville, Glenview, or downstate Illinois, I can help.
And effective 2024, I am now licensed in Florida! For parents in Jacksonville, Pensacola, Destin, Crestview, Coral Gables, Weston, Parkland, Naples, Marco Island, and Pinecrest, I have immediate openings.
Schedule your appointment or consultation today. I look forward to working with your child to quickly and effectively help them in activating their strengths, resources, and resilience, in order to live with confidence and hope.
