Helping Your Child Find Their Compass: How Values Reduce Anxiety

When a child or teen struggles with anxiety, it’s natural for parents to focus on helping them manage symptoms: calming strategies, therapy sessions, medication, or school accommodations. These tools can be incredibly helpful. But there’s another powerful—and often overlooked—way to support anxious kids: helping them get clear on their values.

Values are the things that matter most to us. They guide how we act, how we make decisions, and how we respond to challenges. For kids and teens, understanding their values can be a game changer, especially when they’re dealing with anxiety. It gives them a sense of direction, helps them make choices they feel good about, and builds the confidence to face fears with purpose.

In this blog post, I’ll explore why knowing their values is so important for kids and teens with anxiety, and how it can help them in school, with friends, and in life. I’ll also share practical ideas for how parents can support their children in discovering what really matters to them.

What Are Values?

Values are deeply held beliefs or principles that guide how we live. They’re not goals or tasks, but the “why” behind our behavior. For example:

• A student who values kindness might go out of their way to help a classmate who’s left out.
• A teen who values honesty may decide to speak up even when it’s uncomfortable.
• A child who values responsibility might feel proud when they complete their homework without being reminded.

Values aren’t about perfection or being “good.” They’re about helping your child decide what kind of person they want to be—even when life gets hard.

Why Values Matter for Kids and Teens with Anxiety

Anxiety can make life feel overwhelming. Worries pile up. What-ifs take over. It’s easy for anxious kids to lose their sense of direction and get stuck in fear-based thinking. That’s where values come in.

Here are five reasons why knowing their values can be so powerful for anxious kids and teens:

1. Values offer a compass

When kids know their values, they have a kind of internal compass. Instead of getting lost in worry about what might go wrong, they can ask themselves: What matters most right now? or What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?

That simple shift can ground them. It helps them make decisions that feel meaningful—even if they’re still feeling anxious.

For example, a teen who feels nervous about speaking in front of class might choose to do it anyway because they value courage or personal growth. The anxiety doesn’t disappear, but it doesn’t control the decision anymore.

2. Values build confidence

Anxious kids often struggle with self-doubt. They question whether they’re making the “right” choices or whether they’re good enough. Values give them something solid to stand on. When they act in line with their values, they feel proud, strong, and more sure of themselves.

That builds real confidence—not just “you can do it!” pep talks, but confidence based on knowing who they are and what they stand for.

3. Values reduce people-pleasing

Many anxious kids are people-pleasers. They want to avoid conflict, gain approval, and not disappoint anyone. But constantly worrying about what others think is exhausting—and it keeps them from becoming their true selves.

When kids are clear on their values, they start making choices based on what matters to them, not just what others expect. That can be a big relief. It gives them permission to say “no” to things that don’t feel right, and “yes” to things that do.

4. Values help with motivation

Anxiety often gets in the way of motivation. School assignments feel too overwhelming. Social situations feel too scary. Kids may procrastinate, withdraw, or shut down.

But when actions are tied to values, motivation comes from a deeper place. A student who values learning or doing their best may find the strength to start that project—even if it’s hard. A teen who values connection may reach out to a friend, even if they feel nervous.

When their actions are linked to something meaningful, it’s easier to push through fear.

5. Values create a sense of purpose

Anxiety tends to shrink life. It makes kids play it safe and avoid risks. But knowing their values helps them live more fully. It gives them purpose. That’s not just good for their mental health—it’s essential.

Teens especially need a sense of meaning and direction. They’re asking: Who am I? What matters to me? When they start to answer those questions with honesty, they step into a stronger, more confident version of themselves.

How Values Help in Daily Life

There are a number of places where values can help ground your child in daily life.

In School

• Helps kids make choices about how to handle stress, like turning in an assignment they’re unsure about because they value effort or courage.
• Keeps them focused on what matters: learning, responsibility, or curiosity—instead of perfection or fear of failure.
• Makes it easier to stay motivated and push through tough days.

With Friends

• Encourages kids to choose friendships that align with their values (like kindness, loyalty, or honesty).
• Helps them stand up for themselves and others, even if it’s uncomfortable.
• Reduces the need to change who they are just to fit in.

In Life

• Gives them a way to make tough decisions, big or small.
• Helps them bounce back from failure or rejection because they know their worth isn’t based on one moment.
• Builds long-term resilience and identity that isn’t shaped by fear.

How Knowing Their Values Can Reduce Anxiety

You might be wondering: This sounds great—but how exactly does it reduce anxiety?

Here’s how:

• It shifts focus from fear to purpose. Anxiety pulls kids into “what if” thinking. Values bring them back to “what matters.”
• It gives a sense of control. Even when life feels uncertain, kids can choose to act based on their values. That choice builds confidence and a sense of agency.
• It reduces avoidance. When kids avoid things that make them anxious, the fear grows. Values help them face fears with a reason. “I’m doing this because it matters to me” is a powerful motivator.
• It strengthens identity. Anxiety can make kids feel like something’s wrong with them. But when they act on their values, they start seeing themselves as brave, kind, thoughtful, or resilient. That builds self-esteem and a sense of who they really are.

How You Can Help as a Parent

You don’t have to push your child to choose their life values overnight. Just begin the conversation. Here are some gentle ways to get started:

Talk about your own values

Share stories about times you had to make a tough choice based on what mattered to you. Let your child see that values aren’t about being perfect—they’re about being intentional.

Example:
“I was really nervous to speak up at work, but I value honesty, so I decided to share my thoughts anyway.”

Use everyday moments

If your child is frustrated, upset, or anxious, you can gently ask,
“What really matters to you in this situation?” or
“What kind of person do you want to be right now?”

This helps shift their thinking from fear to values.

Explore values together

You can look at a list of values and have your child highlight the ones that feel important to them. Ask:

• “Which ones describe who you are now?”
• “Which ones describe who you want to be?”
• “Which ones show up when you feel your best?”

Praise values-based choices

Instead of only praising outcomes (“You got an A!”), praise when your child lives out a value:

• “That was really brave of you to talk to the teacher.”
• “I noticed how kind you were to your friend today.”
• “You kept going even though you were nervous. That’s called perseverance.”

Keep it light and encouraging

Values exploration doesn’t have to be deep or heavy. It can be fun! Create a values vision board, use role plays, or talk about how characters in movies show their values.

Final Thoughts on Values

Helping your child or teen understand their values won’t erase anxiety completely—but it gives them a powerful anchor. It reminds them that they are more than their fears. It gives them direction, purpose, and motivation—even on hard days.

And maybe most importantly, it helps them feel proud of who they are becoming.

As a parent, you have a front-row seat to that journey. Keep planting the seeds. Help your child notice the things that matter most to them. Over time, those values will grow into something strong, steady, and real—just like them.

Begin Anxiety Counseling in Chicago, Illinois and Florida for Anxious Kids and Teens!

If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety, there is hope! Anxiety is highly treatable and child therapy for anxiety treatment at Briefly Counseling can help.

Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I help kids and teens reduce their anxiety and build resilience so they can become a happier, more confident version of themselves.

And kids love being able to receive counseling from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Studies have consistently proven that online therapy delivers equal results to in-office counseling.

As an experienced and caring child therapist in Chicago, IL and FL, I love providing counseling for anxiety. To start your child’s counseling journey, call me at 224-236-2296 or complete my Contact Form to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation.

Helena Madsen, MA, LCPC is the founder of Briefly Counseling. I specialize in providing online short-term anxiety treatment for kids and teens ages 7 – 18 as well as Christian counseling.

Whether you’re on the North Shore, in Naperville, Chicago, Champaign, Barrington, Libertyville, Glenview, or downstate Illinois, I can help.

I am now also licensed in Florida! For parents in Jacksonville, Pensacola, Destin, Crestview, Coral Gables, Weston, Parkland, Naples, Marco Island, and Pinecrest, I have immediate openings.

Schedule your appointment or consultation today. I look forward to working with your child to quickly and effectively help them in activating their strengths, resources, and resilience, in order to live with confidence and hope.