Helping Your Kids Overcome Anxiety and Develop Self-Compassion
As parents, we all want the best for our kids. We want them to be successful, happy, and healthy. But sometimes, despite our best efforts, our kids experience anxiety and struggle with self-doubt.
If your child is feeling anxious, whether it’s about school, sports, friendships, or any other part of their life, it’s easy for them to start beating themselves up. They might feel like they’re not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. This self-critical attitude can make anxiety worse and prevent them from developing the resilience they need to face challenges in a healthy way.
One of the best ways to help your kids manage anxiety is by teaching them self-compassion—the ability to be kind to themselves when things go wrong, instead of being their own harshest critic. This doesn’t mean letting them off the hook for bad behavior, but it does involve helping them navigate difficult emotions without punishing themselves.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would offer a good friend. It’s about acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks, and that these experiences are part of being human. When kids have self-compassion, they are less likely to spiral into anxiety or self-doubt after facing challenges. Instead, they can approach situations with more calm and confidence.
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, defines it as having three key components:
- Self-kindness – Being gentle with yourself rather than self-critical.
- Common humanity – Recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are a natural part of life, and you’re not alone in facing them.
- Mindfulness – Being aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment and accepting them as they are.
For your child, learning self-compassion could be the key to reducing their anxiety and building resilience. By teaching them to be kind to themselves in moments of difficulty, you’re helping them to face the world with a healthier, more balanced perspective.
Why Do Kids Struggle with Self-Compassion?
Many kids struggle with self-compassion, especially when they face anxiety or failure. In our fast-paced,
competitive world, kids can feel like they have to be perfect to be accepted or successful. Whether it’s achieving good grades, excelling in sports, or fitting in with their peers, there’s a lot of pressure on kids today. This pressure often leads to negative self-talk like, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never be able to do this.”
Additionally, kids with anxiety may overthink their mistakes and failures, magnifying them in their minds. They may focus on what they did wrong rather than what they did right. For example, if a child struggles with public speaking, they may remember every stammer or mistake they made, thinking it means they’re terrible at it, instead of recognizing that they were brave enough to try in the first place.
Parents can help by being role models of self-compassion and offering strategies to foster this trait in their kids.
How Can Parents Help Kids Develop Self-Compassion?
As a parent, you play a key role in teaching your kids how to treat themselves with kindness. Here are some practical ways to help them develop self-compassion:
Model self-compassion yourself
Kids often learn by watching their parents. If they see you being self-critical or harsh on yourself, they might internalize that behavior. But if you show them how to handle mistakes with kindness and patience, they’ll be more likely to do the same.
Example: If you make a mistake at work or home, instead of saying, “I can’t believe I messed up again,” try saying something like, “I made a mistake, and that’s okay. I’ll try to do better next time.” This shows your kids that mistakes don’t define you and that they’re just part of life.
Encourage positive self-talk
Help your child become more aware of their inner dialogue. Negative self-talk can fuel anxiety and lower self-esteem. Teach your child to recognize when they are being overly critical of themselves and guide them toward replacing those thoughts with more compassionate ones.
Example: If your child says, “I’m terrible at soccer,” you might respond, “I know you’ve been working hard at soccer, and it’s okay to have bad days. Everyone has things they need to work on, and you’re improving every time you practice.” Encourage your child to reframe their thoughts by focusing on progress, not perfection.
Teach them to accept imperfection
Perfectionism is a common cause of anxiety, and it often leads to a cycle of frustration and self-criticism. Remind your child that nobody is perfect, and mistakes are an opportunity to learn, not to feel ashamed.
Example: If your child doesn’t do well on a test, instead of saying, “You should have studied harder,” try, “I know you studied hard, and sometimes things don’t go the way we expect. What can we do next time to feel more prepared?” This approach helps them focus on growth and improvement rather than on self-blame.
Normalize mistakes and setbacks
One of the best ways to reduce anxiety is to help your child understand that setbacks are a normal part of life. Teach them that mistakes and challenges are an essential part of growth.
Example: If your child struggles with a difficult math problem or has a bad practice session in a sport, share a story about a time when you faced a challenge. For instance, “When I was in high school, I didn’t get the grade I wanted on a test, but I worked with my teacher, studied more, and did better the next time.” This helps your child understand that mistakes don’t define their abilities.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is an effective tool for managing anxiety and developing self-compassion. It involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings in the present moment, without judgment. This practice helps kids become more aware of their inner experiences and manage their emotions more effectively.
Example: Encourage your child to take deep breaths when they start feeling anxious. You can guide them through a simple mindfulness exercise, like focusing on their breath for a few minutes. This can help them recognize when anxiety is taking over and give them the space to respond with kindness instead of frustration.
Praise effort, not just results
When your child puts in effort, celebrate that effort, even if they didn’t achieve the outcome they hoped for. Praising effort over results can reduce performance anxiety and teach your child that trying their best is more important than being perfect.
Example: After your child finishes a challenging project or performance, say something like, “I’m really proud of how hard you worked on this. You gave it your best, and that’s what matters most.” This reinforces the idea that self-worth is not tied to success or failure but to the effort they put in.
Create a safe, non-judgmental space
It’s important for your child to feel safe and supported when talking about their anxieties or struggles. When they share their feelings, listen without judgment and validate their emotions.
Example: If your child comes home upset after a tough day at school, don’t immediately offer solutions. Instead, try saying, “It sounds like you had a really tough day. I’m here to listen. Want to tell me more about what happened?” This shows them that it’s okay to feel anxious and that you’re there to support them, not judge them.
Concluding Thoughts on Self-Compassion
Helping your child develop self-compassion is one of the most valuable things you can do as a parent. By teaching them to be kind to themselves when they feel anxious or make mistakes, you’re providing them with tools they can use for a lifetime. With self-compassion, they’ll be better equipped to handle anxiety, face challenges with confidence, and bounce back from setbacks with resilience.
Remember, it’s not about shielding them from difficult experiences, but about teaching them how to handle those experiences in a healthier way. With your guidance, your child can learn to treat themselves with the same kindness they show to others and build the emotional strength they need to thrive.
Begin Child Therapy in Chicago, Illinois and Florida for Anxious Kids and Teens!
If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety, there is hope! Anxiety is highly treatable and child
therapy for anxiety treatment at Briefly Counseling can help.
Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I help kids and teens reduce their anxiety and build resilience so they can become a happier, more confident version of themselves.
And kids love being able to receive counseling from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Studies have consistently proven that online therapy delivers equal results to in-office counseling.
As an experienced and caring child therapist in Chicago, IL and FL, I love providing counseling for anxiety. To start your child’s counseling journey, call me at 224-236-2296 or complete my Contact Form to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation.
Helena Madsen, MA, LCPC is the founder of Briefly Counseling. I specialize in providing online short-term anxiety treatment for kids and teens ages 7 – 18 as well as Christian counseling.
Whether you’re on the North Shore, in Naperville, Chicago, Champaign, Barrington, Libertyville, Glenview, or downstate Illinois, I can help.
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Schedule your appointment or consultation today. I look forward to working with your child to quickly and effectively help them in activating their strengths, resources, and resilience, in order to live with confidence and hope.
