The Avoidance Trap: Helping Kids with Anxiety Conquer Their Fears

If you have a child with anxiety, you may have noticed they avoid certain situations, tasks, or conversations. Whether it’s refusing to speak in class, avoiding homework, or not wanting to go to social events, avoidance is one of the most common ways kids deal with anxiety.

While avoidance may seem like it provides relief in the short term, it actually makes anxiety worse over time. Understanding why kids avoid things and how to help them face their fears can make a huge difference in their confidence and overall well-being.

Why Do Kids with Anxiety Avoid Things?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism. When something feels scary or overwhelming, avoiding it provides immediate relief. However, this relief is only temporary. The more a child avoids something, the scarier it seems, and the harder it becomes to face it in the future.

Here are some common reasons kids with anxiety engage in avoidance behaviors:

1. Fear of failure or embarrassment – Many anxious kids worry about making mistakes, being judged, or failing at something. Instead of taking the risk, they avoid the situation entirely. For example, a child who struggles with perfectionism might refuse to start a school project because they fear it won’t be good enough.
2. Overwhelming physical reactions – Anxiety can cause strong physical reactions like a racing heart, dizziness, nausea, or even panic attacks. If a child has experienced these sensations in certain situations, they may start avoiding them to prevent those uncomfortable feelings.
3. Desire for control – Uncertainty can be scary for anxious kids. By avoiding a situation, they feel like they are regaining control. For example, a child who fears social interactions might avoid birthday parties because they don’t know what will happen or how they will feel.
4. Negative past experiences – If a child has had a bad experience, such as being laughed at when answering a question in class, they may avoid similar situations in the future to prevent feeling embarrassed again.
5. Sensory sensitivities – Some kids with anxiety, especially those with sensory sensitivities, may avoid situations that are overwhelming to their senses. For example, a child who dislikes loud noises may refuse to go to the cafeteria at school.

Common Avoidance Behaviors in Kids with Anxiety

Avoidance can show up in many ways. Here are some common avoidance behaviors parents might notice:

• Refusing to go to school – Complaining of stomachaches or headaches before school, asking to stay home often, or frequently visiting the nurse’s office.
• Procrastinating on homework or projects – Waiting until the last minute to start assignments, claiming they “forgot,” or avoiding work altogether.
• Avoiding social situations – Not wanting to attend birthday parties, school dances, or family gatherings.
• Not speaking in class – Refusing to raise their hand, not answering when called on, or whispering to avoid being noticed.
• Clinging to parents – Wanting to stay close to a parent in new or unfamiliar situations, avoiding spending time away from home.
• Changing routines to avoid discomfort – Only using specific bathrooms, avoiding certain hallways, or refusing to wear certain clothes because of sensory issues.
• Using distractions – Burying themselves in screens, books, or other activities to avoid facing their fears.

How Parents Can Help Their Child with Avoidance

While it’s tempting to let kids avoid anxiety-provoking situations to keep them comfortable, doing so reinforces their fears. Instead, parents can help their child learn to manage anxiety by gradually facing what they fear. Here’s how:

Validate their feelings but encourage facing fears

Let your child know you understand their anxiety and that their feelings are real. However, remind them that avoiding things won’t help in the long run. For example, say, “I know speaking in class feels scary, but avoiding it will only make it harder. Let’s come up with a plan to make it easier.”

Teach the science of anxiety

Help your child understand that anxiety is a false alarm. Explain that when they feel anxious, their brain is acting like there’s danger when there isn’t any. The more they avoid something, the stronger the anxiety becomes. Facing fears teaches their brain that they can handle difficult situations.

Start small with gradual exposure

Instead of forcing your child into a situation that terrifies them, start with small steps. For example, if your child is afraid of ordering food at a restaurant, start by having them practice ordering at home, then try ordering in a drive-thru, and finally work up to ordering in person.

Encourage a growth mindset

Help your child see challenges as opportunities to grow rather than situations to fear. Praise effort rather than just results. Say things like, “I love how you tried to answer that question even though it was scary!” rather than focusing only on getting the answer right.

Model courageous behavior

Kids learn from watching their parents. If they see you avoiding stressful situations, they’ll do the same. Instead, model confidence and problem-solving when facing your own fears. Talk about how you manage stress and how you push through uncomfortable moments.

Use rewards and positive reinforcement

Celebrate small wins! If your child takes a step toward facing their fear, acknowledge it. Use simple rewards like extra playtime, a sticker chart, or a special treat to motivate them to keep going.

Help them learn coping skills

Teach your child techniques to calm themselves when anxiety strikes. Some helpful strategies include:

• Deep Breathing – Teach them to take slow, deep breaths to calm their nervous system.
• Positive Self-Talk – Encourage them to replace anxious thoughts with helpful ones. For example, instead of “I can’t do this,” they can say, “I can try my best.”
• Grounding Techniques – Using the “5-4-3-2-1” method (naming 5 things they see, 4 things they feel, 3 things they hear, 2 things they smell, and 1 thing they taste) can help them stay present.

Set realistic goals

Encourage your child to face their fears in small, manageable steps. Instead of expecting them to give a speech in front of the class right away, start with practicing at home, then reading in front of family, then speaking in a small group, and eventually working up to speaking in class.

Partner with teachers and counselors

If your child’s avoidance behaviors are affecting their schoolwork or social life, communicate with their teachers, school counselor, or a therapist. They can help create a supportive environment and provide additional strategies for success.

When to Seek Professional Help

If avoidance behaviors are making daily life difficult for your child, or if they’re struggling to find solutions on their own, it may be helpful to work with a therapist like me trained in Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).

SFBT focuses on identifying strengths and building on what is already working. Instead of dwelling on avoidance behaviors, an SFBT therapist helps children find small steps toward success, reinforcing progress along the way. By focusing on desired outcomes rather than problems, kids can gain confidence in their ability to face challenges and gradually reduce their anxiety.

Final Thoughts

Avoidance might feel like a quick fix for anxiety, but it actually makes anxiety stronger over time. As a parent, you play a key role in helping your child learn to face fears with courage.

By providing support, encouragement, and gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking situations, you can help your child build confidence and resilience. With practice and patience, they can learn that they’re capable of handling their fears and living a full, fearless life.

Begin Child Therapy in Chicago, Illinois and Florida for Anxious Kids and Teens!

If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety including avoidance behaviors, there is hope! Anxiety is highly treatable and child therapy for anxiety treatment at Briefly Counseling can help.

Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I help kids and teens reduce their anxiety and build resilience so they can become a happier, more confident version of themselves.

And kids love being able to receive counseling from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Studies have consistently proven that online therapy delivers equal results to in-office counseling.

As an experienced and caring child therapist in Chicago, IL and FL, I love providing counseling for anxiety. To start your child’s counseling journey, call me at 224-236-2296 or complete my Contact Form to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation.

Helena Madsen, MA, LCPC is the founder of Briefly Counseling. I specialize in providing online short-term anxiety treatment for kids and teens ages 7 – 18 as well as Christian counseling.

Whether you’re on the North Shore, in Naperville, Chicago, Champaign, Barrington, Libertyville, Glenview, or downstate Illinois, I can help.

I am now also licensed in Florida! For parents in Jacksonville, Pensacola, Destin, Crestview, Coral Gables, Weston, Parkland, Naples, Marco Island, and Pinecrest, I have immediate openings.

Schedule your appointment or consultation today. I look forward to working with your child to quickly and effectively help them in activating their strengths, resources, and resilience, in order to live with confidence and hope.