Your Child and Performance Anxiety: How to Help

Performance anxiety can be overwhelming for kids and teens. Whether it’s giving a presentation at school, competing in a sport, playing an instrument, or even participating in a social event, the fear of failure can feel overwhelming. As a parent, you want to help—but it’s not always clear how to do so effectively.

This blog post will walk you through real-life examples and evidence-based strategies to support your child or teen in managing their performance anxiety so they can thrive in the activities they love.

What is Performance Anxiety?

Performance anxiety is the fear of failing or being judged negatively in a situation where a child feels pressure to succeed. It often comes with physical symptoms like sweating, shaking, nausea, headaches, rapid heartbeat, and shortness of breath. Emotionally, kids may experience intense self-doubt, avoidance behaviors, irritability, or even panic attacks.

Performance Anxiety Example: Sarah, the Straight-A Student

Sarah is a 14-year-old who has always been an excellent student. She works hard, completes assignments early, and studies extensively. However, when it comes time to take a test, she freezes. Her heart pounds, her mind goes blank, and she second-guesses every answer. Despite knowing the material, she struggles to perform under pressure.

Sarah’s parents initially tried to reassure her by saying, “You always do fine, don’t worry!” But this didn’t help. She still felt overwhelmed by the pressure she put on herself to get perfect scores.

Why Does Performance Anxiety Happen?

Performance anxiety often stems from:

• Fear of failure – Worrying about making mistakes and disappointing themselves or others.
• Perfectionism – Setting unrealistically high expectations.
• Negative self-talk – Doubting their abilities and anticipating embarrassment.
• High external pressure – Feeling intense expectations from parents, teachers, or coaches.
• Lack of coping strategies – Not knowing how to manage stress effectively.

How Can Parents Help with Performance Anxiety?

There are a number of ways you can help your child with performance anxiety, such as the following:

Normalize their anxiety

Let your child know that feeling nervous before a big event is completely normal. Even professional athletes, musicians, and public speakers experience anxiety before performances. The key is learning how to manage it.

What to say:

• “It’s okay to feel nervous. That just means your body is getting ready to do something important.”
• “Even Olympians feel this way before a big race! The key is learning how to channel that energy.”

Teach deep breathing techniques

When anxiety spikes, deep breathing can help regulate the nervous system and reduce physical symptoms. Try the 4-7-8 technique:

• Inhale for 4 seconds
• Hold for 7 seconds
• Exhale for 8 seconds
• Repeat 3-4 times

Example: Before a big piano recital, 12-year-old Jake practices deep breathing with his mom backstage. As a result, he feels calmer and more in control when he walks on stage.

Challenge negative thinking

Kids with performance anxiety often have an inner voice that says, “I’m going to fail” or “Everyone will think I’m terrible.” Help your child replace these thoughts with more balanced, realistic ones.

What to say:

• “What’s the worst that could happen? Even if you mess up, will people remember a week from now?”
• “Let’s find evidence that proves you can do this.”

Encourage your child to reframe negative thoughts:

• Instead of: “I always mess up.”
• Try: “I’ve prepared well, and I’ll do my best.”

Focus on effort over outcome

Kids who struggle with performance anxiety often tie their self-worth to their results. Shift the focus from winning or getting a perfect score to celebrating effort and improvement.

What to say:

• “I’m proud of how hard you worked to prepare.”
• “What matters most is that you keep trying and learning.”

Example: Emily, a competitive gymnast, used to feel crushed if she didn’t place first. Her parents started praising her effort rather than her scores, which helped her enjoy the sport again.

Use visualization techniques

Visualization is a powerful tool for reducing anxiety. Encourage your child to close their eyes and imagine themselves successfully completing their task—acing their test, nailing their speech, or finishing their race strong.

Example: Before a big swim meet, 15-year-old Noah spends a few minutes visualizing himself confidently diving into the pool and swimming his best race. This helps calm his nerves and boost his confidence.

Encourage gradual exposure

Avoidance makes anxiety worse over time. Instead, help your child gradually face their fears in low-pressure settings.

Step-by-step exposure for public speaking anxiety:

• Practice reading aloud at home.
• Give a small presentation to family members.
• Practice in front of a few friends.
• Work up to presenting in class.

Taking small steps helps build confidence and desensitizes them to the fear.

Help them develop a pre-performance routine

Having a structured routine before a big event can create a sense of control. Work with your child to develop a simple plan, such as:

• Deep breathing exercises
• Listening to calming music
• Doing a short warm-up (for athletes)
• Positive self-talk

Example: Before dance competitions, 13-year-old Olivia has developed a routine where she takes three deep breaths, shakes out her hands, and tells herself, “I am prepared, I can do this.” It’s become a ritual that helps her feel more in control.

Model healthy coping skills

Kids often mirror their parents’ responses to stress. If they see you handling pressure with a positive mindset, they’ll be more likely to adopt the same strategies.

What to do:

• Share stories of times you felt nervous and how you overcame it.
• Demonstrate self-care, such as exercise, relaxation, and healthy stress management.

Know when to seek professional help for anxiety performance

If performance anxiety is significantly interfering with your child’s daily life, schoolwork, or ability to participate in activities, it may be time to seek anxiety treatment from a child therapist experienced in working with kids and teens. Using Solution Focused Brief Therapy, I can provide strategies that will help break the cycle of fear and avoidance.

Final Thoughts on Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety is common, but it doesn’t have to hold your child back. With the right tools, encouragement, and mindset shifts, they can learn to manage their fears and perform with confidence. As a parent, your support plays a crucial role in helping them navigate challenges and build resilience for the future.

By focusing on effort, teaching coping strategies, and offering unconditional support, you can help your child develop the confidence they need to shine in whatever they do.

Begin Child Therapy in Chicago, Illinois and Florida for Anxious Kids and Teens!

If your child or teen is struggling with anxiety, there is hope! Anxiety is highly treatable and child therapy for anxiety treatment at Briefly Counseling can help.

Using Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I help kids and teens reduce their anxiety and build resilience so they can become a happier, more confident version of themselves.

And kids love being able to receive counseling from the comfort and privacy of their own home. Studies have consistently proven that online therapy delivers equal results to in-office counseling.

As an experienced and caring child therapist in Chicago, IL and FL, I love providing counseling for anxiety. To start your child’s counseling journey, call me at 224-236-2296 or complete my Contact Form to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation.

Helena Madsen, MA, LCPC is the founder of Briefly Counseling. I specialize in providing online short-term anxiety treatment for kids and teens ages 7 – 18 as well as Christian counseling.

Whether you’re on the North Shore, in Naperville, Chicago, Champaign, Barrington, Libertyville, Glenview, or downstate Illinois, I can help.

I am now also licensed in Florida! For parents in Jacksonville, Pensacola, Destin, Crestview, Coral Gables, Weston, Parkland, Naples, Marco Island, and Pinecrest, I have immediate openings.

Schedule your appointment or consultation today. I look forward to working with your child to quickly and effectively help them in activating their strengths, resources, and resilience, in order to live with confidence and hope.